I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
