**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
