Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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