she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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