No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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