Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
