my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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