can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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