So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
