o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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