this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I stole a fireplace last night.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
