youre lurking in front of me
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
