Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
no, he came in my armpit
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
