I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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