I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
