I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
