I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
