Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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