Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
