i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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