You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
