It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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