Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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