Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
