I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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