Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
