I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
please don't ironically join a cult
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