well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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