Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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