We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
