the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
