U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
