I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
