My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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