I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
