did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
