remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
