i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize