I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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