my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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