Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
