Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
