turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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