We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
