Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
