I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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