apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
