I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You may now shotgun with the bride
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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