I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
