Can i not drive my cunt home
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
