I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
