Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
