a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
