Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
