he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
