whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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