Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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